I walked into a door.
I tripped, I'm so clumsy.
I jammed my finger in something.
I didn't watch where I was going.
I should think before I speak.
I contradicted him.
It's just a little bruise.
I'm fine, it'll fade soon.
I don't even remember how I got that one.
I can't come out, I'm not feeling well.
So many excuses, all completely plausible, but in an abusive relationship all entirely unlikely. Excuses, that's all they are. Cover-ups, evasions, false rationalizations, fish stories, call them what you will, they all add up to the same thing. We feel we need to make up a story to deflect attention from what actually happened.
And why do we do this? It doesn't make any logical sense to the outsider. Why would you lie to hide what someone did to hurt you? Back before my first abusive relationship I thought the same thing. I couldn't comprehend why a woman would even stick around when she had been abused. Why doesn't she just leave? Go somewhere safe ... there are shelters for this sort of thing, aren't there? And why would she lie for him? It's not her fault, she should be shouting from the rooftops that he hurt her, not making up a story and covering it up like she did something wrong.
Now that I'm out of my abusive marriage I see things from a completely different perspective. It's sad that it takes going through it to understand it, but that's often how it goes. Most people just will not understand something like this until (God forbid) they actually experience it themselves.
** Let me state right now that I say "she" for the abused person basically because I am a she and I'm speaking from my perspective. If you're not a she and have been abused, then read it your own way, this is how I'm writing it.
** Let me state right now that I say "she" for the abused person basically because I am a she and I'm speaking from my perspective. If you're not a she and have been abused, then read it your own way, this is how I'm writing it.
So why does she hide what has happened, or lie for him? There are a few reasons, probably more than just the ones I can come up with. From my own experience, if word got around (and it would) that she was blabbing about what he did, there would be repercussions when he found out. These repercussions could and likely would be worse than what was done in the first place. Also, she's embarrassed. Who wants to be known as the person who gets abused? This makes her a double victim ... a victim of the abuser, and a victim of the scrutiny of all the people who will think all the things I used to think. If he happens to have a position of power, or is well known and well liked in the community, then she could come across as a liar, someone just trying to get attention, trying to cause trouble for him. After all, how could someone as wonderful as he is possibly do such things to the woman he loves? If he also happens to be a narcissistic sociopath then likely he's got a whole other public persona than the one you see when you're alone with him.
So if things are so bad at home, why does she even stay there? Why stick around and just let him do terrible things to her? Is she a glutton for punishment? Looking for the attention? Is she twisted or weird and somehow likes it? Playing the martyr?
Ok, put yourself in her position. Think about it seriously right now. If something happened to you that your home was no longer safe, where would you go? Maybe you're one of those lucky people who have relatives with unlimited funds and space in their homes to shelter you and your kids indefinitely. Maybe you're independently wealthy and can just walk out and get another place easily. But most women in this situation do not have those options. I know I don't. Sure my family has and would always offer to help me in any way they can. I have stayed with them for a time in a pinch. But I wouldn't expect them to take care of me indefinitely, plus think about this: he knows where they live.
When I left my ex the first time, he hid in the woods around my family's homes, stalked them, called them incessantly. Do you really want to put your family through that?
When I left my ex the first time, he hid in the woods around my family's homes, stalked them, called them incessantly. Do you really want to put your family through that?
So now you're thinking ok, what about shelters? Yes, there are shelters for women to "hide" and have a safe place to stay. In most cases though, you can only stay there for a set amount of time until you can get yourself sorted out and find a more permanent place to go. They have some resources to help you with that, but again, it's all limited. And in my own case, I went to a shelter in the next town, an hour away from where we lived ... I was there just a few days when my ex was told by a cop where he could probably find me and that was the end of that. He stole my car from the parking area, then called the shelter over and over until I would talk to him.
Shelter situations work differently in all areas ... where I live now they are mainly for the Indigenous people or women addicts. Yes, they need help too, but that means it's not the place for me because I'm neither of those people.
So, she doesn't leave because most of the time, she has no place to go and often no way to get there. Plus, if she's been out of the work force for any length of time whatever skills she once possessed are now outdated and she may not be able to find a job at all, let alone one that will support her and her children.
Also, if she's been in this abusive situation for a long time, once she leaves and it sinks in that she is AWAY from him and safe, or semi-safe ... chances are that's when the PTSD kicks in. PTSD is not just for soldiers, it happens to anyone who has been in a traumatic situation of any type. The first word in it is POST, meaning after, which is because it only starts once she's out of the trauma. And this brings with it a whole plethora of issues, including and not limited to flashbacks, nightmares, an exaggerated startle response, paranoia, and everything that comes with it, making it difficult to find and/or keep a job, manage her life, trust other people, basically just functioning out in the world is a huge challenge.
Another treat that comes along with being in an abusive relationship is the effect it has on your self-confidence. If you've been told for years, over and over, that you are stupid, ugly, fat, useless, an embarrassment, etc, you start to believe it. You may have been a confident capable person in the past, but not anymore. I remember times when we'd decide to order pizza and I'd make the call, with him standing beside me telling me word for word what to say because he didn't think I was capable of doing it right. I was ordering pizza! How hard can it be?! Then another time he'd been raving about this great cell phone deal he'd seen on tv and decided he wanted it, but didn't have time to drive all the way to the store to get it. I happened to be there later that week and thought I'd surprise him and get it. Let's just say it didn't end well. Eventually I was pretty much convinced that I was incapable of making any decisions, let alone important ones, and I was second-guessing every single thing I did.
Pre- all this crap, and then the crap that followed it, I was a pretty confident person. I had a good job and I was great at it. I was a force to be reckoned with. In the past 30 years I've been called every name in the book, including but not limited to a complete useless retard (his words, not mine), too f*cking sensitive, a moron, a waste of skin, too stupid to live, the list goes on. It wears you down. It chips away at your self, who you are; it makes you question everything you used to know/believe.
So why doesn't she leave? Why does she cover up the bruises and lie about how she got them? She's essentially standing behind a tall fortified concrete wall and can't see anything past it. She can't imagine what's on the other side - what if it's worse than what she has now? At least now she knows what to expect. Where will she go if she crosses this wall ... how will she take care of herself ... what comes next? It's not scary, it's terrifying. It's immobilizing.
I do believe 100% in empowering women to take care of themselves, to do whatever they can to run their lives their way, heck - they can run the whole frickin' world if they choose to. But I also know that regardless how strong and forceful and confident she is, she can be torn down by the right/wrong person and it takes SO MUCH work and it's so incredibly terrifying to take that first step to setting things right, that this horrible cycle can just go on and on indefinitely until eventually it's just too late.
People say "it's never too late to change". Sure it is. When things look hopeless and there seems to be no end, no way out, no solution, then unfortunately she may just decide she's done. There is a 23% chance that victims of domestic violence will consider and/or attempt suicide ... just to make it end. I know that applies to me, it's a bloody miracle I'm actually still walking the earth today. All because of a bad partner choice ... all it takes is that one person to tear her down, destroy who she was, and bend her just far enough that she finally breaks.
Something has to be done about this. To tell the truth, I have no idea what CAN be done, but there has to be something, because from where I sit, we're losing.
Another treat that comes along with being in an abusive relationship is the effect it has on your self-confidence. If you've been told for years, over and over, that you are stupid, ugly, fat, useless, an embarrassment, etc, you start to believe it. You may have been a confident capable person in the past, but not anymore. I remember times when we'd decide to order pizza and I'd make the call, with him standing beside me telling me word for word what to say because he didn't think I was capable of doing it right. I was ordering pizza! How hard can it be?! Then another time he'd been raving about this great cell phone deal he'd seen on tv and decided he wanted it, but didn't have time to drive all the way to the store to get it. I happened to be there later that week and thought I'd surprise him and get it. Let's just say it didn't end well. Eventually I was pretty much convinced that I was incapable of making any decisions, let alone important ones, and I was second-guessing every single thing I did.
Pre- all this crap, and then the crap that followed it, I was a pretty confident person. I had a good job and I was great at it. I was a force to be reckoned with. In the past 30 years I've been called every name in the book, including but not limited to a complete useless retard (his words, not mine), too f*cking sensitive, a moron, a waste of skin, too stupid to live, the list goes on. It wears you down. It chips away at your self, who you are; it makes you question everything you used to know/believe.
So why doesn't she leave? Why does she cover up the bruises and lie about how she got them? She's essentially standing behind a tall fortified concrete wall and can't see anything past it. She can't imagine what's on the other side - what if it's worse than what she has now? At least now she knows what to expect. Where will she go if she crosses this wall ... how will she take care of herself ... what comes next? It's not scary, it's terrifying. It's immobilizing.
I do believe 100% in empowering women to take care of themselves, to do whatever they can to run their lives their way, heck - they can run the whole frickin' world if they choose to. But I also know that regardless how strong and forceful and confident she is, she can be torn down by the right/wrong person and it takes SO MUCH work and it's so incredibly terrifying to take that first step to setting things right, that this horrible cycle can just go on and on indefinitely until eventually it's just too late.
People say "it's never too late to change". Sure it is. When things look hopeless and there seems to be no end, no way out, no solution, then unfortunately she may just decide she's done. There is a 23% chance that victims of domestic violence will consider and/or attempt suicide ... just to make it end. I know that applies to me, it's a bloody miracle I'm actually still walking the earth today. All because of a bad partner choice ... all it takes is that one person to tear her down, destroy who she was, and bend her just far enough that she finally breaks.
Something has to be done about this. To tell the truth, I have no idea what CAN be done, but there has to be something, because from where I sit, we're losing.
