You were bigger than I was.
You were physically stronger than I was.
You held me down, forced me to the floor, couch, table, bed to do as you pleased to me.
You used your size and strength against me to keep me physically, mentally, and emotionally down.
You did unspeakable things to me because you could.
You bruised me, inside and out.
You berated me.
You called me names.
You diminished my SELF.
You controlled every aspect of my life.
You hit me, punched me, pinched me in places I won't say.
You spat at me.
You slapped me.
You screamed at me.
You told me I was stupid, ignorant, useless.
You raped me.
You made me feel worthless.
You terrified me.
You threatened me.
You tried to kill me.
You humiliated me in private and in public.
You gave me permanent physical injuries.
You made me cry almost every day.
You told me that you care only about yourself, and you meant it.
You reminded me daily that I was not important to you.
You told me that if you didn't teach me, how would I learn.
You told me many times that nothing was holding me back, that I was free to leave at any time.
So I did.
I am smarter than you are.
I am nicer than you are.
I am a more decent human being than you are.
I am mentally stronger than you are.
I am more creative than you in every way.
I don't think about you.
I don't cry over you.
I don't care about you.
I don't worry about you.
I forget nothing.
I don't need to forgive you for myself, because you mean that little to me.
But I survived you.
I walked into the fire and I emerged stronger.
I took what you did to me and used it to strengthen me.
I have family and friends who care more for me than I ever knew, and I value them deeply.
Nothing you can say or do can destroy WHO I AM.
*****
And there's the big question. Who Am I?
I've spent 30 years dealing with everything listed above from two separate individuals. I won't call them men because a real man does not treat a woman the way they treated me. They both completely fit the profile of a narcissistic sociopath, and somehow I ended up tangled up with them. Different circumstances, different times, different reasons. They come from entirely different walks of life, education, work experiences, families, yet inside they think the same way. They think they're special, as do all narcissistic sociopaths, yet they are all alike. Maybe that's why we don't see them coming, we don't expect it because this one doesn't seem at all like that one on the surface ... but then when you get right to the core it's like they were cut from the same mold.
Living with one is scary. Doing it all over again is terrifying. It completely wears you down, takes away everything you thought you knew about yourself, makes you doubt everything you think you know for sure. I had PTSD from the first one, then add 16 more years of it from the second one, and what do you get?
People keep telling me I'm brave. They tell me I'm strong, smart, loved. I've heard this Winnie the Pooh quote more times than I can count in the past week. I'd like to think it's true, but I'm not sure it is. I don't feel brave or strong. I know I'm smart, I'm not bragging, it's just a fact. Though I've doubted it a lot over the past years.
One thing I do know is that I am loved. I had no idea how much I was loved and by how many people until the moment came that I decided I'd had enough, I couldn't do it anymore, I had to make a plan and get out. Then all of a sudden the Love came through and I got all the help I needed and more, and I was able to do it.
So right now I've been out for 5 days, and amazing things have happened in those 5 days. Things have gotten done at lightning speed, things that I thought would take days, weeks, or even months. I'm having to spend 2 weeks in isolation because of a stupid virus that I don't even have, so there's not really anyone to talk to besides my cat, or texting, but the cat doesn't talk back and you can only say so much in a text. I have 10 more days of quilting, watching movies, thinking, and in between all of those things is a lot of crying. I'm not crying because I regret leaving or for staying as long as I did ... I try to live life without regrets. I figure you do what you do for whatever reason you had at the time and then you deal with it. Regretting it gets you nowhere, you just do what you can about it afterwards, which is what I did.
I don't know exactly why I cry so much. Partly maybe because I'm just afraid of what comes next. What does come next? I have nobody to tell me, it's something I have to figure out for myself, and I just spent 30 years being told I could not make decisions. Someone suggested I'm grieving, and that's probably true too. I had two relationships that I had put everything I had into and I did not get back even close to that in return. I trusted them, I relied on them, I jumped in with both feet and I literally got the crap beaten out of me.
So despite the fact that I know I am strong, because I DID get out, and I know that I am smart, and I am so very loved, I'm really not feeling all that brave right now. I'm tired ALL the time. Like I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I've never been a good sleeper but now I feel like that's all I want to do.
What I do know is, I did survive. Not one, but two of them. And if I can do it, anybody can.
