Often I feel like the girl in that song Luka by Suzanne Vega ... "my name is Luka, I live on the second floor ....." if you know the song you know what I'm talking about, if you don't, then look it up and you'll catch on quickly.
People have been asking me where I am, what happened, why did I leave. The answers are pretty simple, yet not. Where am I? I'm somewhere safe. That's all anyone needs to really know right now. What happened and why did I leave? He abused me ... physically, mentally, emotionally, he ran the gambit and I left because it was either do that or kill myself and I chose the former. I'm glad I did most of the time. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind, or like I've made a mistake because there is so much unknown ahead of me, but I'm surrounded by people who care about me and would never, ever hurt me, and they will help me navigate the coming stormy seas. And the stormiest ones are behind me.
People hear about women being abused all the time and comment about how they'd never allow anyone to hit them. What if he does it to you while you're asleep? Like you're lying there sound asleep one minute and suddenly he's screaming something in your face and punches you full force in the chest? Or you're sleeping back-to and you make a little noise in your sleep and he clobbers you in the shoulder or back? I didn't "let" him do it, but it happened all the same.
Or they say they'd never let anyone treat them that badly. What if it came out of the blue, for no reason at all, completely unexpectedly? One minute you're having a perfectly normal conversation, the next he's screaming at you, calling you horrible names and throwing things at you or threatening to kill you or your pet. I didn't "let" him do that either, but it happened.
A relationship can be compared to climbing a tree. You find what looks like the right one,you try it out, you work your way through some good parts and some not so good parts and if it's the right tree and it all works out you get to the top intact and the view is fantastic.
But what if it's not the right tree? It might look like it is at first, but then as you go along some branches start to give a little. You press on, because surely not all the branches are bad, but then you could get quite a ways up and suddenly it starts to crack ... things can fall apart slowly or quickly or both at the same time and then suddenly you're falling and you don't even know where you went wrong. Maybe you did everything right. Maybe you tried so hard you were physically and mentally exhausted from it all. Or maybe that tree just kept throwing you to the ground but you were too stubborn or determined or blind-sighted to see it. So you end up battered and bruised, inside and out, and one day you finally realize you just can't even be near that tree anymore or it will destroy you.
So that's what happened ... he broke me in many ways and now I'm away from him, I'm in a safe place surrounded by hope and love with many people helping me get through it one day at a time. Part of the healing process is "getting over" all the things that had become normal after so many years, that to outsiders were obviously very NOT normal. I've been keeping a list and telling people I'm close to when I jump a new hurdle, they probably seem like silly little things to most people, but to me these things are HUGE.
Like a couple of weeks ago I had dinner and was given some butter for a baked potato. I held the little container of butter in my hand, my plate in front of me, and just cried. It's not that I was denied food before, or that I wasn't allowed to have butter ... but if I did use it I would be given a speech on how it's fattening and how I didn't need it, and what's wrong with me that I can't just eat it the way it was. It was a small luxury that I had denied myself for many years just to avoid the nagging and criticism, and then here I was just offered it like it was a regular thing. Because it IS a regular thing.
I've been exercising the freedom to throw away used ziplock type plastic bags, used tinfoil, used Saran wrap, because this was NEVER allowed before. They would have to be washed and reused until they just couldn't be used anymore. It was disgusting, unsanitary, and plastic wrap loses it's effectiveness very quickly but still I would be literally screamed at if I threw any of them away. It's quite liberating to be able to throw away a smeared up plastic bag that had raw chicken in it rather than have to wash and reuse it for something else.
I opened the microwave when it was finished and was still beeping. This was a HUGE no-no. I wasn't even supposed to be looking at it while it was running, much less open it before the beeping stopped. And if I opened it while it was running, look out! But I opened it and as expected the microwave actually stopped like it's supposed to (or actually had, since it was beeping) and the sky did not fall down around me.
I've had dessert quite a few times, if I felt like it, like right after dinner. And then a snack again later! Nobody gave me the fat speech or anything and it was wonderful.
A few times I've even left the evening dishes in the sink and on the counter overnight to do in the morning. That's a hard one, because I've gotten many, many speeches about my incredible laziness if any dishes were left in the sink when I went to bed. I still do them most of the time, it's been drilled into me for 16 years and it's really hard to break that one, but once in a while I leave them. I feel guilty when I do sometimes and actually got up and went back to the kitchen to do them before I could sleep a few times, but I'm working on it.
I bought a ringtone for my phone. I had wanted a particular one for as long as I've had a cell phone but didn't even dare ask if I could buy one because of the speech I'd have to endure about the free ones not being good enough for me, and what made me so special that I had to buy one, and why couldn't I find one like it for free somewhere. But I decided that I would splurge and I bought the Chicken Dance ringtone for $1.49 and every time my phone rings it makes me smile.
This morning one of the guys came in the back door with a container he was going to empty into a bag, just commenting as he came in that that's what he was doing. I just stood there, frozen, totally unsure of what to do. In my world if a man wants a bag, or anything, I was to immediately GET IT, no questions asked. I had to somehow anticipate what kind of bag or whatever it was that he needed and have it ready asap. Not today, he was just telling me why he'd come in and got the bag himself while I stood there dumbfounded.
Later I thought of another thing I've been working on overcoming and called someone into the room to tell her. I can lock the door when I'm in a room now. Even the bathroom ..... ANY room! This was strictly not permitted before, he had to have access to any room in the house at any time. Closing the door wasn't allowed unless I was actually going to the bathroom, and even then I had to go fast because if he wanted to go in and I had the door closed he would stand there and kick or bang on the door until I opened it. So I called her to come to where I was ironing so I could tell her this new thing I'm working on doing, and when she walked in the room she commented that it was kind of dark (morning shade) and turned on the light. I couldn't even tell her my thing for a minute, I was crying ... he didn't allow lights on if it was daylight, and even if it was night, lighting was minimal and only if absolutely necessary ... it hadn't even occurred to me that I could turn on the light, I've been just making do with whatever light was available to me at any given time.
These are just a few of the things I've been working on overcoming so far, I'm sure there will be many, many more as time goes on. I hope one day I won't even be keeping a list anymore, but for now it helps me feel good knowing that I can do these things and not get in trouble or get screamed at or hit or anything.
That was definitely not the right tree for me, nor was the last one. I may just stay away from all trees for a long time now, until I get back to whoever I am now. I don't even know what's normal anymore, I don't know who I am or who I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do. Everything is uncertain at this point, I'm just making my way through it one day at a time, sometimes just one minute at a time. I'm not crying every day anymore, that's a huge step right there. Once in a while, like with the light this morning, something will hit me, but overall there's very little crying. I don't cry because I regret leaving, that is one thing that I know I definitely got right. I should have done it a long time ago, but here we are. And from here we'll see what comes next. Tonight we're having steak for dinner and baked potato and I will most definitely be putting butter on mine, just because I can.
