Bike, Bike, Squirrel ....

You know how if a kid knows he's getting a bike for his birthday that's all he can think of.  For days on end up until the big day all he can think is BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE!!  Or if a dog is playing fetch it's throw, fetch, throw, fetch, then suddenly it's SQUIRREL SQUIRREL SQUIRREL SQUIRREL!!  Something gets in your head and it consumes you so that it's all there is.

One night a year ago I was in bed sleeping, quite soundly for a change seeing as I'm not a great sleeper on average.  I tend to sleep back-to, facing out, because I don't like sleeping with someone breathing in my face.  I must have rolled over in my sleep because all of a sudden he screamed in my face " MAKE THAT CAT SHUT UP!" and BAM - punched me hard full-on in the chest.  Just imagine being sound asleep and this is what wakes you up.  It knocked the wind out of me, took me a minute to catch my breath and absorb what had just happened.  Once I did, I took care of the cat, coaxed her out from where she was hiding to come sleep with me on my side of the bed (I'm not allowed to sleep on the couch, he comes out to get me if I try).  He gave me the usual speech about how I need to keep track of my cats (this is his cat btw) and make them shut up when he's trying to sleep, that he does this to teach me a lesson or how else will I learn.  He got up, went to the bathroom, then back to sleep.  Needless to say I didn't get a whole lot of sleep the rest of that night, I was busy just processing and trying to remain completely still and silent.  

I was incredibly sore the next morning.  I hadn't heard or felt a crack when he punched me, so I was pretty sure nothing was broken, but it hurt so much to move certain ways, hurt to lift things, hurt to breathe.  It was really red in the punched area, but didn't actually turn into a surface bruise.  The redness went away after a few days, the soreness lingered for a few weeks.  

I had a regular doctor's appointment the next week for my allergy shot and told her what had happened.  She sent me for x-rays to make sure nothing was broken or cracked (nothing was), she figured the soreness was likely a bruised sternum/breastbone and tissue damage.  She wanted to call the police but if you read my previous article "Excuses, excuses ... not really ..." you'll know why I declined.

It was just before December, so I should have been decorating, baking, shopping ... I couldn't, I was too sore.  He commented about the lack of Christmas decorations because usually I don't waste any time getting them out once December hits.  I told him I couldn't because I was still too sore.  He asked why I'd be sore.  Yep, he asked WHY.

I'd been quiet about it until then, hadn't said a word, pretty much just laid low.  My M.O. in these cases is usually keep quiet and stay out of the way, so that's what I was doing until then.  I told him I was still sore from when he punched me.  He played dumb, as he does every single time he does something like this, said he didn't know what I was talking about.  By then I was crying, but I went through the whole scenario for him, told him blow by blow (no pun intended) what had happened and how it had affected me.  He's been doing a back punch/elbow for years at night if I sniff or cough or snore or make any noise at all, always gives a speech during and after (and often also the next day), or turns on the radio for the rest of the night and bitches about how he can't sleep after I let him get woken up, so I know he knows what he's doing when he does it, and I have no doubt he knew this time too. 

So I'm used to getting it in the back, unfortunately, but this time I happened to be facing him and got it hard square in the chest.  And for some reason even now, a year later, I'm the kid with the bike, or the dog with the squirrel, and it's all I can think of.

He screamed in my face and punched me in the chest.

It runs through my head like a video on repeat, all day, over and over and over.  I cry a lot of the time when he's not around (crying around him is just asking for ridiculing, name calling, or worse).  I'm afraid to go to sleep because what if I roll over and he does it again?  What if he breaks a bone next time?  Or worse ....

He's still claiming he doesn't remember it.  He played the martyr for about a minute and said he'd sleep on the floor so he doesn't accidentally do it again.  Claims he didn't know he'd EVER done anything.  I don't believe that either, I know him too well.  More denial that it doesn’t matter to him because he doesn't remember it ... apparently if he doesn't remember then it didn't happen by his logic.  I don't care if he remembers it or not, it won't leave my head and my body still hurts.  He sucked up to me for a while, as he usually does when he knows he screwed up.... telling me to buy things for myself, anything I wanted, for Christmas and beyond.  Despite his claims that he didn't care who I told or even if my doctor called the police, I think he was afraid I would tell her about it and he'd get in trouble.  He's no doubt afraid people will find out what he's really like behind closed doors.

Over and over in my head.  So much crying, so much pain; physical, mental, and emotional.

I'd been going to a PTSD group for months because of my ex and another incident last April that kicked my PTSD into high gear, but right now it's gone from PTSD to cPTSD. 

cPTSD is also known as Complex PTSD, and is basically a response to an on-going trauma, besides that which happened in the past.  It includes all the symptoms of PTSD and adds on a few more, which I found interesting because I'd been experiencing them without having known why until recently. 

In regular PTSD the symptoms include: re-experiencing the event in your mind, flashbacks, nightmares, avoidance of things, people, places that remind you of the event, hypervigilance, and an exaggerated startle response.  

With cPTSD you can add onto those: trouble regulating emotions, sudden anger outbursts, easily hurt feelings, negative self-concept, feelings of worthlessness, guilt, problems relating to other people, feeling disconnected or cut off from others.  I'd felt some of those for quite a while, but not to the extent that it was very noticeable, but I have definitely noticed it in the past year, and now I know why.

I'm used to his other behaviours ... that doesn't mean it's good or even acceptable, but it's what I'm used to.  I'm not used to this.  It's been a year since this first hard punch happened.  There have been several since, but not like that one.  That one still stands out in my mind.  I had thought I'd get used to it too and it would go away, but here I am.

Bike, Bike, Bike, Bike ..... Squirrel, Squirrel, Squirrel, Squirrel .... Punch, Punch, Punch, Punch

It's not going away ....