Startlingly enough ....

One of the symptoms or effects of PTSD is an exaggerated startle response.  Loud sudden noises or unexpected sounds cause immediate panic, often resulting in hyperventilating and crying.  It can take literally hours to come back down.  And it doesn't have to be from something done TO or AT me, it can be anything. 

Not long ago I was going through some of my things that I have in storage, and as I walked away from the boxes I wasn't looking down at the floor and stepped on some bubble wrap.  It was unexpected, it was loud, and it sounded like gunfire ... and the more I tried to get away the more I stepped on it, making it exponentially worse.  Once some gentle hands helped me away from the spot, off the bubble wrap, then the crying started.  I was enveloped in a big hug until I got it under control.  I'm so lucky to be surrounded by love these days.

The only thing is, although I can usually control the things that I do, where I go, what or whom I surround myself with, I can't control everything.  Nobody can, or should.  And as a result, stuff happens. 

A broom falls over from leaning on a wall.  BOOM!!!

A kid sneaks around a corner and jumps out to scare his brother.  BOOM!!!

The dog hears a sound outside and starts barking at the door.  BOOM!!!

A random car backfires.  BOOM!!!

A television commercial comes on and starts out suddenly with a loud burst of noise.  BOOM!!!

None of these are things that are aimed at me, or intended to surprise me, or have anything to do with me at all, yet every single one of them and many other random similar things keep happening and every single time they startle the crap out of me.  I shake, sometimes scream, hyperventilate, can't think straight, I'm disoriented, and often I cry. 

The people around me know that I have this "problem".  That I don't like to be startled.  I appreciate that they don't want me to be scared, but I also don't want to be a special case that can't take a joke, or can't handle some good-natured fun; yet every time it happens, no matter how much I try, I get the same reaction ... shaking, can't breathe, confusion, crying ....

I hear a lot of people saying I should seek counselling, find someone to talk to, etc.  Well, here's the thing.  Because of Covid, the local Women's Centre is closed.  Plus over the past 16 years I have been to enough one-on-one sessions, group meetings, PTSD study groups that I could probably teach a class on it myself.  There's really nothing to talk about, I'm all talked out.  I've gotten so used to telling my "story" to everyone who needs to hear it (doctors, lawyers, counsellors, etc) that I've become numb.  It doesn't help me to talk about it, I have nothing to talk about. 

Instead I think I need to work on settling my mind.  Physically he cannot hurt me.  But my mind still attacks me all the time, awake and asleep.  Either through daytime PTSD issues or nightmares when I'm able to sleep. 

A few people have commented that they find it odd that one of the main things I had to take with me when I left were my books.  I'm talking real paper books.  I don't do e-books.  I have to feel the book in my hand, turn the pages, smell the paper -- I love books.  Yep, they're heavy, especially when you're shipping them in boxes and you have as many as I do.  And I really didn't even take ALL of my books, just the ones I value the most.  I took my favourite cookbooks, quilting books, novel series for various authors, mysteries, historical fiction, magical tales, collectibles, and some books on spirituality and mindfulness.  Those last ones are the ones I think I need to read now. 

I also have one that I should get back to that will help my body and mind. I had started dabbling in yoga a few years back and I liked it.  When I did it regularly it helped me feel physically and mentally more at peace, more relaxed.  Both of those are things I'm in desperate need of now more than ever.  I think if I get back into doing it on a daily basis (as much as my sprained knee will allow for now) I'll end up much more the better for it.  My yoga mat stands rolled up right within sight of the computer as I'm typing this, it's literally right beside me and has been since I arrived here.  This book was behind me on the shelf with the others.  They're both just sitting there waiting for me to pick them up and get back to it.  As they say, there's no time like the present. 

There are a lot of things right now that I have absolutely no control over.  I can't control how fast or slow the legal system works.  I can't control what my lawyers are able to do for me or how quickly they can do it.  I can't control the people who live with and around me that unintentionally startle the crap out of me on a regular basis, nor would I want to.  But I can control how much effort I can put into helping myself heal.  Like I said, I've done the classes, the groups, the sessions, I've talked about all the stuff to all the people, and I'm done.  It's time to work from the inside out.  Here we go ...