Since I've been away from him, every day is a learning experience. I spent the last 30 years of my life with one abuser then another, I've spent a lot of time having to be who I was told or expected to be, to behave as expected, to say or not say certain things, to basically keep quiet and stay out of the way or face the consequences.
Now I'm out. I'm free. And I have no idea who I am. I know who I was, many years ago, but not who I am now. I don't know how to react to certain things because there is nobody to tell me. I don't know how to even do certain things or how to function in regular daily life because I have nobody to tell me how to do it, how to behave, what to DO. It should be liberating, but in truth it's terrifying.
Every now and then I find myself saying something that to me makes sense. I have always had strong beliefs in certain things, I'm very passionate about the things and people I care about, there are some things about myself that I know for sure, others that I believe I know, and still others that I'm afraid to find out.
I am so grateful to be able to stay where I'm staying and know that I'm safe, that sometimes I get a little too comfortable and I let things slip. A month or so ago I made a comment about something to someone I hadn't seen in a while. It wasn't a particularly bad thing I said, just an opinion. I was told that I was wrong and that I should reassess my thought process. So I will.
I have often referred to my first ex as "the idiot". It was my opinion that if someone has beaten, raped, berated, smothered, tortured, threatened to and tried to kill me, and abused me in every single sense of the word over and over, I have the right to call him an idiot. By definition an idiot is a stupid or foolish person or someone who does stupid or foolish things; that description fits him pretty well. It was suggested to me that by calling him this, it made me look bad and that I was stooping to his level and that it would be better if I didn't. I wasn't told outright not to do it, it was just suggested and not in a nasty way, it was said to me by people I love and respect and who have my best interests at heart. And so I will.
Last night I was watching a movie with my sister and something she said struck me as particularly funny and I made a joke about it on Facebook. I didn't mean anything by it, it was just a silly comment, only made in jest and other people agreed. My sister wasn't particularly pleased by it but she can take a joke and made her own comments about it. Then someone told me in no uncertain terms that it was insensitive and that I should remove the post immediately. So I did.
I have been well trained over the past 30 years to do as I'm told or face the consequences, so if I'm told to do something, I do it. No questions asked. Just do it and hope for no further repercussions, keep my head down, be quiet and stay out of the way. Now that I'm out in the world, I'm finding that I'm going to have to start censoring myself. I need to be more careful in what I say, who I say it to, and how it may affect more than just that person. That sounds like common sense, but to someone who was allowed to say very little to anyone for many, many years, it really isn't.
Everything is new to me. Common things are not common to me. Seemingly ordinary life is not ordinary to me. I've mentioned getting used to the seemingly little things in daily life like turning on a lamp if it's not bright enough, putting butter on a potato, not having to account for every single move I make in a day. These things, and more, are all alien to me.
I have a lot of big decisions coming up to make, things I've never had to do before without someone over my shoulder watching every move, directing me as I do things, so I'll have to make a point of listening to those more wise than I am, with more experience than I have, and I will tread lightly so that I can hopefully avoid being censored again as I tiptoe through my new life. Fortunately I am very lucky to be surrounded by people who love me and will help me along the way if I'm brave enough to ask.
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